I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
