Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
