Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
So squirting runs in the family.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
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