LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
