I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Randomize
