What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
