Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Randomize