We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
