Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
