my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Mom said you looked used
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Randomize
