just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
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