Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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