Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Randomize
