I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
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