Pants 0. Shit 1.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
