Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
