Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
