I'm going to jail i love you
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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