dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Sacagawea was the original milf.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
