Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
the gays at disneyland are vicious
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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