just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Randomize
