Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
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