Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
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