So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Randomize
