This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Randomize
