youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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