she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
