I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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