mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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