saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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