What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
