haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
