whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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