I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
