wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
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