Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Randomize