Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
