"it" just moved
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
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