dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
