so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize
