my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
