Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
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