she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
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