the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
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