Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Another day, another engagement, another cat
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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