meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
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