you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
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