There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
