theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
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