Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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