Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
