I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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