I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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