I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
so much tequila, so little girl.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Randomize
