We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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