There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
