I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
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