now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Randomize
