I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
You dont lie about slip and slides
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I want a musical about memes.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
