Got a toothbrush?
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
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