theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
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