I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize