I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
In other news, I just burned my penis
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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