Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
