Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
