Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
