I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Omg I joined a choir last night...
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
