we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
