I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
