Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
