hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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